To Rise from the Ashes, Or Be Ground to Dust



Ive been having my spate of bad luck/unfortunate accidents again. To be honest after the tenth board, my life never quite got back on track. Its never recovered from the spiral that it spun into. Try shifting gears, try handbrakes but nothing works (sorry folks, am way too much into NASCAR and F1 racing). So then i start thinking, is God trying to tell me something?

A while ago this girl sent me this corny SMS, God gives us something that we want, sometimes he says wait and gives us something better and at times he says no, and gives us something thats best for us. So i wonder if this is Gods way of helping me? Or am i subconciously trying to set myself free? Allow me to elucidate.

I think God is trying to phoenixize me. You know the legend...a phoenix burns up and then is reborn from the ashes (c'mon ppl, i know you read Harry Potter). So is God trying to set me free by completely decimating my life. As long as im attached to any part of it, i cant start over. Its like this line from fight club - Brad Pitt (yay, who else) "Its only after we lose everything that we're free to do anything."

Now a person cant just let go of his attachments and move on (Face it ppl, much as we like to collect lightsabers, we are no Jedi). It would take superhuman strenght to let go, specially when ur letting go of everything that you thought mattered. So its left to God to step up and do the job. In which case i should actually be glad that my life is going to ruin and tatters. But im an old man (ill be 21 this June). Its too late to start over. And what if i mess it up again? I have no
confidence or self esteem to speak of (and rightly so, for i am indeed worthless). To have everything that is even remotely right in my life disintegrate in my face would certainly do no wonders for my self confidence. And that sure wouldnt be the way to start over would it - with no life and no self esteem? Maybe i should start practicing letting go. Avoid parties,
picnics, gatherings, outings with friends, happy occasions. Learn to live with myself and alone (something that i am (finally) a little good at). And gather myself for the coming storm.