Getting Fresh

OK, first off -- Samir, funny isnt as easy as one might think. This sad and sobering fact i realised yesterday when i tried to switch off the torrent of thoughts and emotions ever running in my mind and tried to concentrate on wit. I failed miserably. Down below is my pathetic excuse for a funny article. Apologies my friends.

Heres some word on some looting, duping and decieving Gujarati style. Dunno where Mukesh Ambani gets his tips and inspirations but his latest scam looks like his guru is none other than the demon Modi himself. Another fancy sounding scheme that attracts people and so far people havent even begun to realise they are being duped.

A word of advice to Mr. Mukesh Ambani -- leave the fancy hi-tech stuff to chhotaa bhai. He
carries it off much better than you. I am of course, commenting on the Reliance Fresh scheme.Of course over here the vegetable vendors visit the main market early to ensure that the basic stuff that we need for our daily requirements are not available FRESHLY at the Reliance outlets....(yeah. chalk one up for the underdogs). You pick up a framework trolley (if you can find one). Then u put a basket on top. Then you pick out the veggies and fruits yourself, go to the polythene dispensing machine and put the stuff in - a different bag for each foodstuff. Then you go over to the counter and overpay for everything youve bought. Oh and you also have your regular foodstuffs and chocolates, biscuits, wafers...stuff that you get at retail price at say a big bazaar or whatever. Unfriendly staff and an irritating counter lady reciting useless offers like a five yr. old reciting "The Wreck of Hesperus" to indulgent adults dont add to the charm in anyway whatsoever. Also, whats so FRESH about those precooked, Kitchens of India and MTR vegetable packets which you can get anywhere?

Also dont expect perfect red apples or flawless potatoes and other veggies that youve only probably seen in Hollywood flicks. Or fresh fruits and vegetables kept in a chilled refrigerated environment. Also no handy man standing by to chop and peel for you or offer you tastes or anything of the sort.

Typical Gujarati way to loot you. You let urself be robbed with a smile on your face as you pick out not exceptionally fresh RADDISH (yep, thats how it was spelt) and imported pears (the fact that Indian pears are more delicious and they didnt stock any notwithstanding). So its just your average..and in many ways below average supermarket with just more quirks throw in (which somehow all involve you doing all the work) and some different (not good just different) marketing tactics.

Fun if you are a romantic who dreams about running into chicks at the supermarket or if you want quality imported chickpeas and budget no bar. You might get some exotic varieties there but for the most part you are better off shopping at your local vendor's. After all there is such a thing as the joy of haggling.

Alone in the Dark......You See the Light


Lonliness is an art. The art of being a loner is a very tough one. It may sound cool being a loner and rebel but it is very difficult and very dangerous. Striking the right balance between privacy and complete seclusion can be dicey for certain people. Private moments are needed to collect your thoughts, let of steam and unleash whatever is being withheld inside. Lack of it can lead to irritability and bouts of bad mood which can be directed at anyone near you without reason and discrimination. Everything irritates and small minor flaws become gaping, glaring
defects.

Not everyone can handle being alone and neither should they try. Also some people forced to share company are actually better off alone. If you have a ceaselessly working mind then you can give it a shot. I used to find it a curse, at times i still do. I never can stop thinking, and just give things a rest. Relaxing is somehow out of the question. Even when i am apparently relaxing, there are thoughts running constantly running through my mind, each fighting for
attention. (so can you blame me if for my poor academic performances?). Watching movies, listening to music or reading books doesnt give respite. Instead, they give rise to millions of new thoughts, disjointed, vague, useless and incoherent thoughts hitting my mind by the droves.

Problmes arise when you start craving for company only to realise later that you were better off alone. For me, time among others is a time to observe, imbibe and learn. I constantly guage moods, capture moments and observe quirks, trends, habits and tendencies. Time alone is spent analysing these little figments of observation. These are mostly what i base my writings upon. I can get very irritable when this schedule is disturbed, and it quite often is. I am a moody person, and freaks like me generally are. When i feel like being left alone, i detest intrusions
of privacy. I get irked easily, temper rises quicker than normal (and in my case, even normal is quite mercurial, so you can only imagine my anger in a pressure cooker situation). Also for some stupid reason, i dont casually swear which one has to realise is quite a potent stressbuster.

It is in lonliness that your thoughts dwell. That is also a very dangerous thing. If you are not in control of yourself, and lets face it we are no zen monks or buddhists as to be so masterful, you will vaccilate. We change our minds a thousand different times in the space of a little while. What will be the end decision is anyones guess. We have all probably heard of that professorial anecdote about holding a glass of water long enought to make your arms ache. No work is being done claims the professor but still we feel tired. He then goes on to philosophise using a comparision between this pointless act and letting thoughts dwell long enough in our mind. But i say that it is important to let them dwell. Only when they dwell long enough do we begin to see the negative aspects of things. The darker side is only then visible.
And while most people want to stay positive, smiling chirpy happy go lucky sorts, things dont work that way. Being an optimistic, positive fool is only ignoring things. The bad sides, the countless things that could go wrong, the millions of negative aspects have to be examined and considered.

It is how you handle things from thereon, what paths you choose after realisation dawns upon you that matters. You will have to face tough facts and consequentially make some tough decisions. If you take the easy road inspite of the cold hard facts dawning upon you, then you are just avoiding confrontation. And in you desperation to avoid it, you might end up ruining some other aspect of your life. Bcuz lets face it, only so many things can occupy the surface conciousness that is you mind at a given time.

Forced in the company of your own shadow you will learn to appreciate yourself. And not in the ego inflating, self righteous, pompous sort of way but in a coarse, rugged finer aspects sort of way.

Settle in Love, Dont Fall


Okay, ive had this fight with different friends. All mostly disagree with me, but none of the answers were consistent bar one (Sigmund, this is you). Even so, i disagreed. Question: Can you prevent yourself from falling in love? My Answer: Yes. Ive heard it all from ur just saying that to u say that now, but when it happens you cant stop it. And my question is why not? Why cant you guard yourself from your moment of weakness. It is the most important decisaion of ur life. Why make it in a moment of weakness.
The dating philosophy of the youngsters today (fine fine, im a grandpa), the Gen X leaves me flabbergasted. I will first off declare that for some reason, i am an ultra conservative person. I come from a very liberal background and have had all sorts of freedom and liberties. But still i personally take a very conservative outlook on life. And so the antics of my generation often leave me gaping. They take these things so frivolously. Fall in love, fall out of love, change partners at the drop of a hat. The girls like to string along a number of guys at once, under the pretext of keeping their options open. Thats another thing. As bad as guys are, you can see them from what they are. Girls have this another hidden layer of hitherto undiscovered evilness.
They act as if they are in a buffet line, tasting and testing till theyve found the right dish. They swear by their trial and error method, not even bothering to take pains to look for the right person. Then if things start going wrong, they dont even bother to patch things up. Dump is the four letter word they swear by and move on to the next target. Some actually do give their relationship a chance. Of course, there isnt much of a relationship and the person theyve chosen is a proven stinker but the infatuation level is so high and their attitude so immature that they simply cant let go. And then there are those who know its not going to work between them or know its not a permanent thing and that the person they choose is not going to be the one they end up with and still they date each other, just to "Experience". So, even if you really fall for someone, its a difficult situation. You never know their past and have no idea what sort of flings theyve had, who theyve dated and what theyve done. Which makes things even more difficult for those who opt for or are forced into arranged marriages. To test and gauge everything in an hour is impossible.
Then there are those who are confused and easily impressed. These are the ones who dont know better and mistake crushes and infatuations for the real thing. Or maybe its just that they dont care. Why not spend the rest of your life with someone whom you are physically attracted to. The rest can be sorted out since life is about adjustment and compromise. Its a weird logic. Or maybe its just me thats weird because i say, why compromise?
As for me, i coudldnt bear to be with someone who has had innumerable flings (or actually even a single one, come to think about it). Its not just about being someones first preference but more. Call it ego if u will but thats the way it is. T just sit there and have someone look at you lovingly and then to realise, that shes looked at someone else the same way, or to rest ur head in her lap and lie in a carefree manner only for it to hit you that someone else before you has probably done the same thing.
Its a weird attitude and i feel it. More so because noone else agrees with me. One very good argument put forth by a friend is that this decision, in nature is like any other decision. It has the basic pros and cons common with any other decision taken. And so it cannot be taken with 100% confidence. You meet someone, you like him/her, you give it a try, and if it doesnt work later on, you move on. And if you meet someone, you cant expect them to have not fallen for anyone before yyou. And just because they tried out a relationship with someone else is not reason enough to reject that person, specially if its obvious that the two of you are compatible and clearly gel well. Okay, so he wasnt exactly that coherent or vociferous but that was pretty much the gist of what he wanted to convey. But somehow im still not convinced.
Just once id like to have this conversation who thinks along the lines that i do. But since that is impossible id settle for the next best thing. I would really like to have this conversation with someone who has not once fallen in love, or fallen for soemone. Thus far, my search has been futile. The world is changing. I dont fit in. And the way the world gets, im not so sure i want to fit in. Being rebellious, misfit and a reject is cool neway.

Framed!!!!


Ive stated before that everyone is schizophrenic at some level. Its a release, its even therapeutic. Everyone has two minds, two opinions, two sides maybe two personalities ( of course there are quite a few with no minds, several opinions, all round and no sides and no personality whatsoever)TThe implications and repercussions of this though can be quite far reaching. At first it may be attributed to general moodiness but thats how it is.Ruing is futile...its all in balancing moods. ang gauging. Music and movie preferences are good guages as are books. Its important for a person to be able to correctly judge ones own moods. Its very important and not as easy as it sounds. What we feel like doing, what we feel like eating or watching or listening makes for a pretty effective mood meter. Trick is to know how to read it. If you are feeling crabby and irritable it is best to avoid company if you are the type who hates confrontations and unpleasantness.

Frames of mind cant be controlled but they can be alloted time slots. Or at least one can try. Be crabby in the morning, be a peoples person in the evening, be a recluse during the day and be thoughtful and introspective at night.
Moods have a strange way of affecting our decision. So we must stick to our moods with convictions. Because once we change our mood, we immediately regret the impulsive heat of the moment decisions we make in our previous frame of mind. Its quite similar to regretting saying something in the heat of an argument and later reviewing the conversation in a calmer frame of mind. Personally i think it would be cool if one could stay angry and irritated all the while. It gives ones attitude a sort of edge...its cool in its own nasty way. And of course even in anger one must mind the thin line between speaking the truth and speaking ones mind.

Controlling rage is also not the answer. Justifying its is better so that we are not left with guilt pangs. Righteous anger and indignation should not be repressed unnecessarily. The least that can be done is make it obvious with your attitude that you are displeased. Besides forgetting is not all that easy. The subconcious remembers. Its happened to most of us. We wake up in the morning feeling vaguely displeased and off coloured without quite knowing why. The mind may forget the cause of the distress but the distress is there as a constant reminder. Which is why closure is so essential. Life has several ways of complicating itself. We dont need to go out of the way to increase its complexity. In the end one must decide between latching onto a weak relation to avoid confrontation and facing continous grief and frustration albeit in minor doses or just having one big confrontation and putting the situation behind you.

Thwip, Thwack, Whiz...Here's Spidey!!!!

First off, i must say the indian dubbing industry needs a serious revamp. Why literally translate puns into meaningless hindi sentences. Why cant they be substituted with some minor hindi witticism? Why do the same substandard voice artists handle all the movies. And when it comes to pronouncing english words they are simply atrocious. They choose which words to translate and which to leave it in the original language on whims. Every movie from a fantasy action adventure to a war drama is turned into a comedy. If i want real laughs next time ill see a hollywood flick dubbed in bhojpuri....yes, thats the latest language to enter the dubbing fray. And while we are at revamping why not replace the background english score with the nasal tones of Himesh Reshamaiyya?

Now you are probably wondering why the f**k would i bother to watch it in hindi in the first place. Thats because i live in a bloody village. Yes thats what this is. The capital of Madhya Pradesh, Bhopal is nothing more than a glorified village. Mob mentality prevails and the local motto is, lets follow the crowd. Nothing is done in moderation and every trend is taken beyond its limit. And yet, we dont have multiplexes, decent malls, or movies being released in english. Right now the youth is hooked on hookah and rock. You have crappy rock bands cropping up all over the place like unwanted weeds and not one of them plays decently. Not a single original song to their name. And hookah...dont get me started on it.Spending time and money billowing sea like fumes of fruit and peppermint flavoured smoke.

Why this outburst you ask? Well its mostly because once again i was forced to watch a blockbuster Hollywood flick dubbed in mediocre, shabby, low grade Sanskritised Hindi. The flick in question this time being Spiderman 3.

Yep, our favorite webslinger returns for the third and (at least for a while) final installment of the hit franchise. The first words to come to mind are Wasted Potential. Fighting inner darkness and three supercool villains is something that should be a recepie for some great emotional moments and out of this world action sequences. The emotional moments are there but somehow they feel disjointed, even funny at times (okay at most times) when watched in Hindi. The action sequences thought stunning and mind blowing are few and far between. Worst of all, black spidey doesnt get as much screen space as one wouldve wished for which is a pity since the cool costume and attitude change make for an interesting interlude.

This is quite similar to a hindi movie actually. Frustrated love, anguished hearts, emotions bubbling under the surface. But there the similarity ends. Im not going to insult the movie by making further comparisions with your average hindi film. The fight sequences are breathtaking especially the first fight between the Hobgoblin and Peter Parker. These are the benefits of reading my reviews. Being a comic fan i can tell you that Harry Osborn is the HOBGOBLIN thought nowhere in the movie is this mentioned.

Oh, and by the by the soundtrack is also quite good though it remains to be seen if it can parallel that of Spiderman 2.

Flags, Frags and Fags


Oh the furore over the national anthem and flag cake fiasco. Other countries put their flags everywhere from t shirts to bandanas to bags to underwear. But the country symbolised by the flag is doing extremely well. They too are proud of their flags, their national symbols and their country. And that pride is justified. They belong to a country worth being proud of.

Here they have movies with people bleeding dry to uphold the flag. The anthem is sung lustily. They stand solemnly while it plays. And they have false pride in their national symbols. Pride that is not justified. The country may go to the dogs but MERE JHANDOO DOSTON JHANDAA OONCHAA RAHE HAMAARAA. Sometimes i wonder if patriotism, blind fanatical patriotism is even a virtue.

Confluence of culture is what our country was all about. I distintly remember a line from my history text book (no mean feat that given my less than flattering academic record) - our country is a melting pot of cultures. And now, even intercaste marriages are banned. In fact they are vehemently opposed. Freedom and constitutional rights are being curbed by LTOs (local terrorist organisations as i like to refer to some of the "political" parties). All foreign influences, all western influences are stopped. I agree some of their customs are not good. But its in our nature to absorb and adopt culture. Is culture only to be absorbed if thrust upon us by conquering armies? These LTOs, who pretend to be anti western and try to curb foreign influence themselves send their children to convent schools.

But to get back to the marriages a bit. It should be one of the most pleasing things in the world. And in todays date, when people hardly think about where they come from and what background they belong to. It is only natural for two people to fall for each other (notice how i never say fall in love? - yeah, still dont believe in it.} Who is everyone else to give their opinion. Everyone has to inererfere. I for one cant understand why its even an issue. And thats not all. Look what happens to their supporters. When Star News tried to interview them, they had their offices vandalised by goons. I think these are useless, worthless dejected youths who have no job, no careeer, no future and nothing to do. They hang around some shady place sipping tea or Local Liquor and with a single call they mobilise themselves, hockey sticks, bats, crowbars et al.

This is what one of the goons said...I would be happy if more Hindu girls married Muslim boys and converted them to Hinduism. This from a guy who urges his goons to beat up innocent Catholic missionaries who try to raise the standard of living of tribals and backwards living in squalor and depravity. These are people hell bent on establishing a totalitarian regime. Secularity and democracy, two pillars of the foundation of this country be damned. But every symbol of the country is to be fiercely and loyally protected. And any reason to create a mountain out of a molehill is jumped upon with vicious, malicious glee.

Moral of the story...since there is nothing left of the country, at least nothing of what it is purported to be, might as well continue worshipping the hollow symbols since they are the only relics left of what once was, or according to some, what was promised but never really existed.

Quaking News




What has become of the media. I was lamenting this very fact when i happened to come across an article by Barkha Dutt on this very topic. Barkha Dutt and Sagarika Ghose are two among a handful of women who actually command my respect (no mean feat that!!!). I may frequently disagree with their views but they have my respect. Shobha De on the other hand is just pretentious(shes one of those who give different answers just to be a class apart. She comes across as one who deliberately tries to be different just for the heck of it. Her choices are
absurd and the cover of her pretetiousness is pretty flimsy. Pathetic.) Barkha Dutt was venting her fury about coming across the Aby-Ash wedding on every channel. Ironically the paper in which the editorial appeared was carrying out a two page coverage of the wedding including the front page.

But she is right about one thing..the media has turned into a circus. With a straight face, without a hint of parody or the sense of barely controlled laughter, they run the gamut at every designers place. And its exclusive footage when one channel obtains the permission to interview the aunt of the wife of the person who washed the utensils at the wedding bash. To quote the immortal Bertie Wooster (and thereby the incomparable P.G. Wodehouse) I mean to say What eh? Not a hint of amusement on their faces. The earnestness of their expressions would put seasoned
veterans like Arshad Warsi or those guys from the Comedy Show...hell even ppl like Jim Carrey and Drew Carey to shame. They solemnly go about acting as if they have been entrusted with the most important task of them all.

The Virginia Tech massacre was an opportunity to expose the flaws in the American system. Show the world that they are not as flawless and efficient as wed like to think. It was an opportunity to expose the big American Idiot. But that news was relegated to a side show item. 160 killed in suicide bombings in Baghdad in a single day. So what else is new? That only merits a two line afterthought mention in the side column. Cuz what we really wanna know is who designed Amitabhs sherwani. People are busy with other important news. Did SRK make it to the
big bash? Why was he not invited.

And then there are our glorious cricketers. Winning or losing. Praising them or panning them. They have to make the front page. Being an ardent supporter of New Zealand and South Africa myself (Traitor!! Blashphemy!! I can hear the shouts) I for one do not see what the fuss is all about. Like every other system in our country the proccess of selection and playing is flawed. Its as simple as that. I dont think it merits a daily discussion and analysis with a panel of "Experts" on every damn channel. Every player, every technique, every single ball and every
single shot analysed and split finer than greased straws.

Every single detail is now breaking news. Sachin Tendulkar having leg cramps is breaking news. An A list wedding guest list made public is breaking news. Over 150 deaths in a foreign country (specially middle east and gulf countries) is relegated to other news. And the sad fact is, that acutally works. That acutally gets them TRP's. Because while we, a handful of educated people debate this absurdity on behalf of the media, while we lampoon someone like Himesh Reshammaiya, there are a majority of Indians who actually live for this stuff. They are the ones
who never put much stock by education. They are the ones who will agree with whatever is convinient. They are the ones who will never come across blogs like this. MAny educated ones are also among these masses. For these people, newpaper consists of page 3 society spice and the sports section. (For me it is the funnies....Calvin & Hobbes, Dennis are to die for). It all comes down to what i keep saying. Lmost bad situations are part of a weird circle. People like this kind of thing and so the media supplies it in dollops. And everyone educated enough to
offer an opinion or voice his thoughts is against such things. Which is why there should be two kinds of newspapers. every network should have two channels. One for serious people like us, who write stuff like this and read stuff like this (by this i mean things like this blog, though much classier than my pathetic effort.) and one for those who have no spice in their lives and live only for masala and love nothing more than gossip and have an unnatural interest in the lives of others.
But english newspapers should be above this crap....Ironically articles lampooning the exact state that i am talking about come in the third or fourth page...the front page covers the masala... We grow smaller in our selves as the world grows smaller becoming a global village.